MyPartner

Ticked off by Toothpaste

Dear Life Coach Trent,

My boyfriend squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of the bottom and it drives me nuts.  I keep telling him how much it bothers me and he still doesn’t change his behavior. I know it’s a small thing, but when he doesn’t do what I ask, I feel disrespected.   What should I do?

Signed, Ticked off toothpaste

Dear Ticked off,

Whenever someone tells me about something that bothers them in their relationship, no matter how small, I share with them a very powerful concept that I have found very accurate in my own life which states “the issue at hand is not the issue.” 

In your case, what that means is your issue is not about toothpaste, but instead about something else that is happening in your relationship, or perhaps within yourself, that is bothering you. If this wasn’t the case, you would have simply continued squeezing the tube from wherever you wanted and let him do the same without your feathers being too ruffled-- right?

   

If you can acknowledge that something else is present, you can do a couple of things to address the underlying issue.  First, you can check inside yourself to see what feelings are coming up; in your case, you mentioned feeling disrespected. Here, I would encourage you to ask yourself when else in your life you have felt disrespected and see if this current experience isn’t actually an opportunity to resolve and heal an ancient wound from the past. Many therapists or life coaches can assist you in this process.

 

While doing this, I encourage you to share with your partner how you felt having communicated your needs and have them seemingly go unheard.  This will give him an opportunity to explain where he is coming from- which will gain clarity and either bring you closer together as a couple because communication is increased, or perhaps shine light on behavior that is unacceptable, which will lead you to question the fabric of your relationship and make future decisions accordingly.

Regardless of the outcome, you will begin to see that every issue in your relationship has the opportunity to bring you deeper into your own self-awareness and healing, as well as create more intimacy with your partner through increased communication.

If you look at issues in this manner, you will learn that they in fact become something very beneficial to your relationship with others, and more importantly, with yourself. 

Remember this “the issue is never the issue!”      

FEAR of intimacy masked!

Dear Life Coach Trent,

I am a 41 year old man who has had many relationships in my life.   Things seem to be going wonderful with my partners, but then, almost overnight, I begin to lose that feeling of being in love and start feeling nothing. I am ready to end my current relationship because of this.  Is everlasting love possible?

Signed, Love lost!

Dear Love,

Thanks for asking this important question and for the courage of sharing your experience.  I believe everything is possible in life, including everlasting love, but it takes awareness and work.

What you shared about- how things are going great in your relationship then turn sour overnight- is a perfect example of fear of intimacy, and is very common. I am sure you are aware of this, but rationally, it doesn’t make sense that one day you are in love, and the next day, not.   This indicates that something is going on inside of you that is holding you back from experiencing true intimacy with your partner.

If you look at your past relationships, the one consistent thing in each is YOU!  There is a pattern happening here!  It is time to work on yourself and become aware of the beliefs that are getting in the way of you experiencing the true intimacy that you say you desire.  After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!

 

Fear appears very real to us and as you have seen, often manifests in ways we don’t even recognize as fear. But the truth is- fear it is an illusion!  There have been many acronyms to the word fear, such as “Fuck Everything And Run” or what I prefer to use, “Face Everything And Recover!” My guess would be when things start getting a bit too close or comfortable in your relationship, you get freaked out and start falling out of love, and chose the first acronym - run.  Now, I encourage you chose the later- face it and recover!

The root of our fear of intimacy, or its twin, the fear of abandonment, is in our childhood experiences.  At that time, things happened with your parents that we took personally and then perceived accordingly -when they in fact had nothing to do with us- and consequently created the belief that they couldn’t be trusted.  Since then, we have guarded ourselves against letting anyone get close who could possibly hurt us. The problem is our perception of what happened wasn’t reality and the belief we are holding is now hurting us by keeping us alone and lonely. This is what fear does!

One of the most important things we can do as adults is identify what fear looks and feels like inside, so we can address it and not let it control our lives.   This “feeling nothing’ is fear for you. This awareness is powerful because you can now take action and change the outcome.

How do you deal with fear?  How do you walk through it?  By facing it head on!  When you start to “feel nothing” also known as shutting down which we have identified is fear for you, I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your partner about what you are going through.  Communicate how you are feeling- perhaps how you are scared or confused about what is happening inside.  Share with them your past pattern and your desire to stop the cycle.  Explain that you are telling them your process because on some level, you know that they will feel you pulling away and having them pull away as a result would affirm your original fear of abandonment and would further perpetuate the issue and result in you shutting down more.  Have a real, heartfelt discussion and you will be amazed at what will come forward!

A fascinating thing will most likely happen; by creating vulnerability in your relationship, you will foster the very thing that you have been afraid of - true intimacy. True intimacy is a bi-product of heart-felt communication.  You will feel closer to your partner.  By doing this, you walk through the fear and miraculously, begin to experience the feelings you had previously “lost.”  Your vulnerability and honesty is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone.

I encourage you to try this process before ending your current relationship. Use the experience you are now going through as an opportunity to look inside of yourself and remove any old beliefs that are keeping you behind the self-imposed walls that keep you lonely!   Face your fear and recover and allow yourself to have the love that you are looking for! 

Living Off The Wall

I was on a stroll through the Manhattan jungle the other day when my ADD-inspired iPod library randomly selected a gem of a tune. "Get on The Floor" from Michael Jackson's classic Off The Wall album pumped through my phones. I was just a little tod when the Off The Wall album was originally released in 1979, but I remember the excitement surrounding the release and how it made my older brother and sister feel when they listened to it. Their favorite track and mine? The title cut, "Off the Wall."

I had forgotten I had the CD until it broke through my maze of music. I immediately called my cousin in Michigan (we always leave the songs we really like on each others’ voicemails). She called me back and we had a Michael Jackson battle. She played a song over speakerphone and then I would play a song. We played "Beat It" and "Dirty Diana" and "Smooth Criminal" and "Billy Jean." We kept going for almost an hour–dancing alone in our respective apartments to music on speakerphone. And then my cousin paused. "Regardless of all of the mess we hear about Michael on TV," she said, "his music makes me feel good. Whenever I listen to his music, I just feel good!" My sentiment exactly.

Yes, MJ's perm is better than my mom’s. Sure, his skin is the color of the sun. Yes, I think him and LaToya are the same person. Oddly, he parades his kids around under cloaks, plays with monkeys and other weird stuff... But no one can deny his music! And no one can deny that he has always lived off the wall.

His songs remind me of my early adolescence, a time when life wasn't so complicated, when I used to make up dance routines in my room. A time when I was still discovering who I was, unafraid to go through great lengths to figure it out, whether through self-discovery or imposed experience. I, like Michael, lived carefree¬–off the wall.

As I grew older, in the closet, life got somehow... complicated. I didn't want to dance or smile anymore. Loneliness and fear were all I felt inside. My gay secret threatened to consume me. I had to come out; when I did, the joy returned.

New boy crushes, new freedoms and new feelings fostered an excitement that reminded me of my boyhood. I started to dance again–be free. I went to bars by myself. I traveled to see distant friends who promised to have blind dates waiting for me when I arrived. I treated each dated like they were my last. Life was exciting and I felt free. Again, I lived off the wall.

And then my first love broke my heart. And then another dumped me for no reason. I was crushed and bruised. I turned off the music again. More setbacks, more silence. Unlike before, I refused to go out alone. I responded to every guy with distrust. I rolled my eyes at all of the fun-loving gay boys dancing under the ball while I leaned up against the wall.

Life was like living in the closet all over again–with all of the previous loneliness, anger and fear, until it too consumed me. I wanted to live again, date again, laugh again, be fun again. I had to turn on the music. I needed to hear Michael sing. "Life ain't so bad at all; If you live it off the wall,” he sang to me.

So, I began to live in the middle of the floor again. Being an introvert and holding up the wall of life would no longer work. I can't say the turnaround happened instantly. It took some time to turn off the demons swimming in my head and turn on the music. I practiced every chance I got, though.

I peeled myself off the wall and became the one that approached guys in the grocery store or on the street or in the club. I was the one that laughed, smiled, joked, danced, and lived like no one was looking. I dropped my insecurity (masked as pretension) and took my rightful place under the disco ball.

The result was not unlike before: I began to attract other carefree people. My opportunities for love came more frequently and my happiness became a priority.

So, when you find yourself turning your back on the often rigorous dating scene, like I did, turn on the music and reclaim your happiness.

Whether it be a favorite song from Michael, Mariah, Madonna or Justin, just dance and start living off the wall!

And on that note, I leave you with more lyrics from Michael Jackson's classic "Off The Wall":

So tonight, gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf And just enjoy yourself C'mon and groove, and let the madness in the music get to you Life ain't so bad at all If you live it off the wall Life ain't so bad at all (live life off the wall) Live your life off the wall (live it off the wall)

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

There ain't no rules its up to you (ain't no rules its all up to you) Its time to come alive And party on right through the night (all right).

Decorum

By Jack Mauro

A dear, dear friend once referred to me as a ‘self-hating queer’, simply because I tend to have crushes on straight guys. Hoo-ha. He disbelieved my avowal that I never took them all that seriously; I just like the crushes for the crushes’ sake. My breast doesn’t heave and sigh with illusory dreams. It’s just kind of fun for me.

I introduce this parenthetical because I want you to know that I’m no self-hating queer. Yet I remain cautious about too much…well, outness as demonstrated by gay couples, and particularly those who get a tad too affectionate before their straight friends. I don’t like it, as I dislike straight people who flaunt their sexualities and make out in front of uncomfortable friends. It is vulgar, no matter who goes for it.

Yes, I can well see why gay couples may feel a subconscious need to display their love to the world. When one has been repressed for so long, an over-compensation factor sets in. But we must always be mindful of our responsibilities as the real, human people we are, just as our straight friends should. Awkward is awkward, whether the couple going at it a little too intimately in the parlor is gay, straight or whatever.

This is not to be misconstrued, if you please. An arm around the shoulder is cool. An occasional peck on the cheek is fine. By all means, hold hands. Just remember: excess intimacy flaunted is intimacy suspect, and not appropriate in any public/social arena. In fact, the break-ups I’ve seen almost always follow on the heels of nearly hyper-sexual activity conducted before the eyes of squirming, alarmed friends….

The Influence

by Jack Mauro

I’ve been asked repeatedly – through emails and at signings and such – if I think that the experience of online dating/meeting will eventually cripple the gay bar trade. This, even from those without careers in the latter industry; the concern appears to be academic.

 

To be honest, the question always gives me pause and a lot to think about. I usually affirm that, no, the bars will always do nicely because, sensibly, many guys prefer to gamble on discovering a spark in person. Understandable. Even praiseworthy, in a way. Yet I’ve come to realize something else. Maybe the clubs are in no danger. But maybe they should be.

 

Why? Well, it’s the most basic reason anyone could think of (which of course took me forever to see): liquor. For every gay man on a bar stool nursing a diet soda, a dozen more are on their third Cosmopolitan or lite beer. And I can’t believe someone is reading this and ignorant of just what the combination of booze and romantic desire can do. It creates hope when there is little or none. It warps judgment. It renders the man you would ordinarily dismiss as fascinating company. It is, unfortunately, a recipe for trouble and some very troubling mornings-after.

 

Better, I think, to negotiate, chat and flirt from the sober seat in front of your PC. Desire is plenty intoxicating in itself, without any assistance from alcohol. Fanning the fire further – sorry about the alliteration – is bad news. Too much smoke gets in your eyes.

Who's Answering Your Red Phone?

Both Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama recently vied for Texas votes by airing “Red Phone” ads on TV. The commercial spots featured a family warmly tucked into bed when emergency strikes. The commercial asked, “Who do you trust to answer the ‘red phone’ at 3AM in case of a national emergency?” Of course, the red phone being the emergency phone that links directly to the President; sort of a Bat Phone type of concept. Commissioner Gordon calls, our Commander-in-Chief picks up.

Well, both candidates spent valuable news after the red phone commercials justifying why they were the ones we can trust to get the job done should emergency come knocking mid-slumber.

The red phone saga got me thinking: Who’s there to pick up my red love phone in case of emergency? Dating isn’t just about compatibility; it’s a matter of emotional, physical and spiritual security.

Who can I lean on when the stress of my day sends me on a Tasmanian tirade? Who’ll pick up the phone when I can’t sleep at 3AM and need a comforting voice to rock me to rest? Who’s there, on standby, to answer the ring in my pants (safely and without worry)?

When I look back on the guys I’ve dated in the past, I paid little attention to their ability to answer my red phone—ignoring my own security. And far too many of my dating experiences have ended because he was not able to fulfill my emotional or physical needs. There was passion and fun, but little security or care for our long-term success.

Of course, emergency phones don’t operate on one-way frequencies. You have to be willing to answer his calls as well as he yours; but first you have set the tone and be clear that you are looking for security and not just a good time.

This doesn’t start with a “red phone” speech on the first date, but as things progress, you may want to start looking at how he responds to your ESP (emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing). Ask yourself:

•  When I have a dreadful day, does he talk me through it or does he shrug me off as if he doesn’t want to be bothered?

•  When we fool around does he reach for a condom or does he wait to see if I will?

•  Has he asked about my life or does he just talk about himself?

If the answer is the latter of any of these scenarios, then your beau may be more concerned about his own wellbeing than yours¬¬, which is always cause for a red alert. Many of us are so enamored or in-like with the guys we first meet that we ignore warning signs that can lead to our unhappiness should things progress into a more serious relationship. Rarely do we respect our own ESP enough to make his inability to fulfill our needs a deal-breaker. If he doesn’t have your back in the beginning, he will ever?

So, how do you protect your ESP? Take a proactive stance by considering your emotional, spiritual and physical compatibility in the early stages of dating. Don’t ignore the signs or make excuses for early red alert behavior: evaluate and measure them against what your emotional, spiritual and physical needs may be.

Personal red alerts happen, and not just keys-locked-in-the-car types of emergencies—emergencies that sometime require a good shoulder to lean on or an open ear to listen. And there is no worse feeling than being in a state of emergency with no outlet to soothe your worries. So, the next time you’re on a date, ask yourself, “Is he the type that would pick up my love red phone at 3AM?”

The Pragmatic Idealist: Romance, Realism and the Search for Mr. Right

In an age of instant gratification, hyper-sexualized gay culture and a hetero divorce rate of about 50%, it takes a certain amount of idealism (not to mention courage) for gay men to embrace the search for true love and committed partnership. And yet, so many of us do.

Are we all pie-in-the-sky dreamers or out-of-touch romantics? Not in my experience working with numerous level-headed, successful gay men in their search for a partner. As a personal headhunter for love, working every day in the heady world of gay romance, I have a front row seat on the modern gay man’s pursuit of love and companionship. What I see are not a bunch of lovelorn star-gazers, but a remarkable group of men who are what I would call “pragmatic idealists.”

By in large, they are gay men who have been around the block, and approach the notion of dating and relationships with their eyes wide open. They know the highs and lows of gay dating. Hot hook-ups? They’ve been there and done that. Loving LTR’s? Yep, done that, too. Cheating partners? Crushing break-ups? Periods of disgust with dating in general, such that monastic life starts to sound tempting? I would guess that most of my clients have felt all those things. So how did they end up calling on my services as an Executive Matchmaker?

Because, through all these varied experiences, they’ve figured out a lot about themselves, the kind of partner they want and what parts of dating life they like and dislike. First of all, they don’t dig the “legwork” part of dating. The sorting through profiles, or endless nights at benefits, openings and parties, trying to look nonchalant while secretly hoping to catch that elusive “come-hither” glance. So they outsource that bit, to me. What I then try to deliver is the part they do like: meeting successful, relationship-oriented men that measure up to their partner priorities.

That’s where the Pragmatic Idealist part comes in. Pragmatic Idealists share three common traits that help them succeed in the tumultuous world of modern gay romance. First, they realize that Mr. Right is not the same as Mr. Perfect; so they spend some time reflecting on what their “deal-breakers” and the search criteria that can be more flexible and open.

Second, they recognize that while you might be able to decide on the spot whether you want to have a sweaty throw-down with a hot stud you meet at the gym, when it comes to decisions about a real relationship and intimacy; these things take time and patience.

Third, they enjoy the process. Dating is supposed to be a fun social engagement, not a nerve-racking chore. My most successful clients appreciate the adventure of meeting new people and being present in the process of getting to know a potential mate.

Call it mindful dating. It just might work for you, too.

Actuality

By Jack Mauro

Here's a fairly ugly confession – I've been watching Reality TV (an oxymoron if ever there was one). I've seen cooks who call themselves chefs curse each other out and run with knives. I've seen vile, self-centered housewives from both coasts shop and bitch and abuse each other and their spouses. I've seen obnoxious young people make out in underwear and walk like zombies down a runway in the frantic hope of being a model. None of this is pretty and I wonder how much of it is 'real'.

But something else has struck me, staring at this parade of just plain folks. Gayness has snuck in and it never creates a storm. These programs may not be really real, yet they happily reflect one element of what is real in life: the basic fact that everyone knows gay people and, more often than not, is quite cool with it.

What is responsible for this somewhat stupefying shift in media? To a large extent, we are. The comfort level with ourselves that we exhibit goes a long way in putting the straight world at ease. We free ourselves, in a sense. Thus can one chef casually refer to his liking men. So too can a Lesbian fall in love in between workouts and get great ratings. Hallelulah. We've arrived and we can sit in the front parlor, too.

However. It ain't all great. I still await the Reality TV that genuinely examines what it is to be a gay man in today's world. This may sound contradictory; why emphasize that which I applaud for increasingly being taken as a matter of course? Because there are, I fear, still too many false notions out there about us, fueled by a certain show featuring five gay mavens. I've written elsewhere about that show. I have always seen it as offensive, a dreadful reinforcement of the worst, most frivolous, ideas harbored about us. Thank God it's over. I think.

So – how cool would it be to have a show with a select cast of gay male friends, going about their business, romantic and otherwise? How great would it be, for the world to see that we live and work and fall in and out of love, just like everybody else? I don't think this would be redundant. I think it could be very valuable indeed. And, should it ever be filmed, I'd be among the first to cry out, Bravo!

Type and Typo

By Jack Mauro

Let it be understood: I am not obsessed with age. Particularly my own advancing one. It's a good thing, to take in life and glean lessons from it. It's a better thing to find you take things more easily and don't freak over the small stuff. And it's a great thing to hit the gym and continue to keep yourself together.

Best of all is perspective. Experience has much to offer and should be embraced. Witness the 'type' syndrome. As a young man I was attracted to a certain type of guy, as so many younger men are. Some are drawn to blonde jocks, others to older bears. There are boys who will only date Latino men, as there are Latino men who will only go for muscle guys. Youth goes for preferences in physicality and I think it's because that, when you are very young, you simply assume that there will be substance behind the exterior that turns you on.

Then, years pass. As they perpetually do, behind our backs. What occurs from this – if you're lucky – is that a new and unexpected state of mind overtakes you. You have dated a number of the type you were so into, and guess what? There was never any guarantee of substance. You may in fact have defeated such a potential by virtue of your own preconceptions. It's a way of sealing a sad deal; your expectations were far too sanguine, and based on a romantic mythology. And why should he reveal quality when he senses that you selected him for nothing but the type factor?

Years pass. New day’s dawn. You then begin, at last, approaching this thing as it always should have been approached: from the inside out. Sure, we want attractive. Yet what defines attractive has altered. You start to truly feel that nothing is more important than a nice guy. He is someone you can talk to and want to listen to. The selfishness of your youth has diffused and you have no patience for that of the type that once got you so hot and bothered.

The very best thing is that your instincts are now honed, or at least are a tad sharper. A phone call or an email exchange tells you volumes because you've been around the block enough times to read between all the lines. And the new type turns you on. What is he? Honest, funny, open and real. Congratulations. You're grown up.

Wavy hair doesn't hurt, either. Hey, we're still human, after all….)

"Needs Sharing” conversation when relationship problems surface

By Trent Blanchard

Everything seems to be going well in your budding new relationship, when all of a sudden things begin to go downhill. Most likely, what is happening is a lack of communication. This needs to be addressed in order to move forward in a healthy way!

The first thing that needs to happen at the onset of a problem in any relationship is a planned meeting to discuss what is going on. Don’t pretend everything is fine when you know it isn’t- the sooner you can address it, the better. Set an actual “needs sharing” date to communicate! During this date, both parties can verbalize the needs and wants that are not being fulfilled. Here, three outcomes, or a combination thereof, are likely to happen!

The first outcome is your relationship will grow stronger and deeper, having increased intimacy because communication and interaction has been improved. They will grow healthier because everyone’s needs are being addressed, therefore making them more likely to be met. Often times you will discover that others have no idea of your unexpressed needs and feelings, and are more than willing to do whatever necessary to rectify the situation! Here, it is helpful to remember that people are not mind readers and that the patterns in your current situation are based on past experiences which you had equal part in creating.

The second outcome is that both people need time to work out their own issues-requiring some type of separation. At this point many people fear if they take a break, they will lose their loved one, which is not always the case. In response to this, I offer them a profoundly powerful concept taken from A Course in Miracles, which states “Nothing real can be threatened!” If you can truly believe this statement, you understand that if your relationship is real, then nothing, including time away from each other, will threaten it!

The third outcome is that you might need to end the relationship and go your separate ways once you see your individual needs and/or your shared relationship goals are incongruent. Here, it is important to remember not all relationships are intended to last forever. This awareness should help you in releasing the relationship with a feeling of love and appreciation for their presence in your life. This process can be difficult, but I encourage each person to keep the focus on caring for and nurturing themselves and their own needs first.

If you have this “needs sharing” date regularly scheduled in your relationship, communication and intimacy will increase. You will find yourself having a healthier relationship experience. Who wouldn’t want that?