MyPartner

Putting Time Aside for Mr. Right

By Trent Blanchard

You’ve signed up for mypartner.com. You’ve created the perfect profile that explains who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. You are SO close to attracting that special someone into your life! Good for you! BUT--don’t stop there! Take it one step further and make sure you have time for him to come in!

What does this mean, you might be asking! Well, many times people say they want a relationship but their current lives don’t reflect that desire. When push comes to shove, they don’t have time in their busy schedule to dedicate to someone else. They are too busy with work or with other social activities that they barely have private time for themselves. When you do this, you send a very strong message to the Universe that says you don’t have time for another person, and as a result, don’t get what you want. The great news is you can do something about this right now!

What I would encourage you to do is put aside one evening per week and have a "date” with yourself. Take yourself to a movie, dinner, show or any other activity that would make you happy. Create that opening in your busy schedule for your future dates. This action will show that you do in fact have time and space for a lover, all the while having fun by yourself! Who knows, you just might meet someone interesting at these places who shares your same interests!

If you are saying any version of “I don’t want to go on a date with myself because it will be boring” or “I hate being by myself” then you are going to want to look more deeply at your life. If you don’t enjoy being with yourself and don’t enjoy your own company, then why on earth would someone else want to be with you?

Pull out your calendar right now and schedule a weekly date with yourself. Show the Universe you are serious about attracting your dream date by creating that space. And in the meantime, have fun until he arrives! Good luck!

Saving It

By Jack Mauro

This most likely won't come as a huge shocker. It will probably, in fact, arrive more as a cause for a snort or a laugh. But many things that need to be said begin just so ignominiously, so at least these few paragraphs will be in good company.

Here it is: hold off on going to bed with your new relationship. Hold off longer than you think you can. Hold off even though he's so hot his shoes give off steam. If there's powerful chemistry sparking the two of you, all the better and all the more reason to wait. I'm aware that there's a distinct grandmotherly quality to this advice, as I know that saving the night of initial intimacy has been stressed, mocked and ignored for thousands of years. But there's wisdom in that old chestnut, and it's far from restricted to heterosexual marriage counsel accompanied by a wagging of a forefinger.

When you choose to make the effort to wait, you do wonderful things for the relationship. With every day spent getting to know each other without having sex, you give it nobility. You take it to the place you wanted to be when you first began your search for this partner, a caring, deeper connection not muddled by the biggest muddler of them all – physical passion and the games it plays on the psyche. For sexual heat can mess with emotion so adeptly, it often masquerades for it. And we all know the consequences to that impersonation.

Remember, you're not in this for a fast thrill. Fast thrills belong to the past. It's time to reach for the greater good. Which will be greater still for both of you when that intimacy is resting on real caring.

Freeing Your Self-Esteem

By Ramon Johnson

Why does he have a man and I don't? Am I single because there is something wrong with me? These questions float in the heads of singles everywhere who wonder why they have yet to find a man. Life isn't a sitcom where dates walk in on queue. Dating is hard; it takes persistence. And if you prefer quality over quantity, like I do, then dating also takes the patience of the gods.

Where many singles go wrong during their search for a man is associating their relationship status to their sense of self-worth. Single is not synonymous with unsuitable and coupled doesn't always mean content. So, free your self-esteem. Try not to gauge base your self-esteem on the number of messages in your inbox or the fact that you have yet to find a man. An empty box doesn’t mean you’re any less of a catch.

You have to be the master of your own confident self. If you don’t believe in your worthiness, no one else will. Instead of knocking your sense of self-worth down each time you refresh your box, focus your energy on starting new conversations with new guys. It’s not a reflection of you as a person if he doesn’t respond; there simply wasn’t a match. Keep your spirits high, regardless of your inbox activity and move on. Men love other confident men with a solid sense of self-worth.

Let yours shine.

Dating ADD

By Ramon Johnson

Dating online can cause stimulation overload for an overactive mind eager for matches. How can anyone keep track of the hundreds of available men? My self-diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder kicks in at the mere thought of sifting through the masses of profiles. There are so many options. Where does one begin (or end)?

Oddly enough, I get that same feeling each time I shop for cereal at the grocery store. I go into the aisle with a general sense of what I want only for the myriad of cereal box covers to distract me. They call my name, tantalizing me with claims of zero trans fat, no sugar, real strawberries, chocolate milk, chocolate-covered strawberries, each one promising to be the best cereal I’ve ever tasted. Inevitably, I end up with the exact opposite of what I wanted in the first place–lost in an aisle of confusion. My ADD and lack of focus get the best of me every time.

Dating online can be just as distracting. There are rows and rows of men, each vying for attention by putting their best “ingredients” forward. ADD dating, just like ADD shopping, can lead you toward the most stimulating profile, but not necessarily the best fit for your love life. The key to avoid impulse buying is to have a grocery list. While you don’t need to have physical list for dating, having one in your mind can help you avoid impulse dating. Manage your dating ADD and lack of focus online by determining what type of man you want before flipping through the pages.

Great first date ideas!

By Trent Blanchard

You are excited because you have found an interesting person on mypartner.com who meets a lot of your relationship criteria! You have spent a lot of time texting, emailing, im’ing and calling each other and things are going great! Now comes the time for the first date! What are you going to do? Here are some ideas!

I would suggest that you both independently make a list of 10 date ideas that you would like to do for your first date together! Spend time thinking about what you would really like to do that would make your first face-to-face encounter special! What are your interests? What would you like to do? What brings you joy? Write these activities down without judgment and remember the key is to HAVE FUN because when you are in a place of joy within yourself, the true YOU can come out more easily, making you more fun to be around!

Some fun date ideas include going for a hike and bring along a homemade picnic; go to a zoo, play miniature golf, go rollerblading, go to a museum, go paint ceramics, or going to a county fair. It is important that your list be things you are interested in. (I would suggest not having alcohol be a major player in your date, because that can sometimes dim our senses and give us a skewed perspective of the person we are spending time with- which could get in the way of determining if we want to spend more time with them.)

Once you both have your list completed, discuss your date ideas and together plan on your first date. This list will enable you to see how many things you have in common, give you plenty of future date ideas if the first one goes well, and perhaps most importantly, will show you how you will communicate and compromise with each other in future endeavors. Always remember the powerful quote “When people show you who they truly are, believe them!”

Make sure you HAVE FUN on your first date! Enjoy yourself! After all, if we want our lives to be joyful, we have to do things that bring US joy! Enjoy!

Sex Now, or Later?

Rik Isensee, LCSW

I’ve seen many gay men in my practice who make their initial connection with another guy through sex--whether it’s at a bar, a bathhouse, sex club, phone line, internet chat, or just cruising the Castro. They enjoy having that first connection charged with sexual interest and intrigue--yet they often find that hook-ups rarely result in serious dating. Why is that?

Is it just because the initial intrigue is over, and you’re on to the next hunt? I think there may be something to that--especially with guys who aren’t really looking to date--but I also think it has something to do with the fact that even if you like the guy, you’re suddenly much more intimate physically and sexually than you are emotionally. If you keep on seeing each other, you’ve already broken the “sex barrier,” so there’s nothing holding you back--which might be fine for a hook-up, but many men who are willing to have sex right away aren’t really looking for an instant boyfriend.

Nonetheless, I think many men are hoping, even with hook-ups, that it might turn into something more--but they don’t know how to bring it up, and continuing to see each other for sex starts feeling like too much, too soon. After two or three times, the other guy stops returning phone calls, and that’s the end of it.

So once you’ve already had sex, how do you bring up the possibility of dating? I think it helps to bite the bullet and just say it: ”I know we were just hooking up, but I kinda like you and wonder whether you’re interested in getting together again?” Give him your phone number, see if he offers his, and see what comes of it. If you actually talk again, you can suggest going for a walk, a movie, or out to dinner for your next get-together, instead of just having sex.

Of course the other alternative is to meet someone and get to know him first before you have sex--we’ll talk about that one next time!

The Importance of Your Personal Ad

By Trent Blanchard, M.A.

You now find yourself in the world of internet dating! There is a large pool of prospective matches out there just for the picking! Isn’t that exciting? Now is the time to make sure that the personal information you wrote about yourself in your ad is accurate, truthful and to the point and that the things/qualities you are looking for in a partner are clear!

When you write a personal ad, it is like you are putting out into the Universe your order for the perfect partner! The more details you can include, the better! When you go into a restaurant, you give the waiter very specific instructions on how you want your burger prepared, as an example, so you aren’t disappointed when it comes out wrong, so why wouldn’t you do the same for your future love interest? Even though we might now be aware of it, we always get what you ask for--so it would be wise to take a considerable amount of time and ask for exactly what we want.

How do you go about doing that? Go grab a pen and paper right now and write down the top 7 most important qualities you want in a partner. Is looks most important? Honesty? Monogomy? Financial freedom? Compassion? Intelligence? Humor? Write them down! It doesn’t matter how shallow you think your list is because in order to attract the partner that you truly want you must be very clear and honest with yourself about what you are wanting so the Universe can do its power and bring them forward. Make sure to include these requests in your personal ad.

If you put out exactly what you want in your personal ad, you have a higher likelihood of finding the perfect person- one that fits you! Your honesty and clarity will automatically weed out the people that are not a match for you and save you a lot of wasted time.

Good luck!

Gay Sex Now: Peril or Potential

By Brad A. Vanderbilt, MPH

Much has been written about risks related to online dating, with some writers penning shrill diatribes against sex-focused websites such adam4adam and manhunt, branding them a dangerous menace to public health. The harsh rhetoric reminds me of similar debates that raged nearly generation ago about whether gay bathhouses should be closed.

Two decades out, and with the benefit of critical research lead by William Woods at the UCSF Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, we can see little demonstrable difference between comparable urban communities with and without commercial sex venues. What Woods research has pointed to is that, in fact, sex club facilities can be a critical partner in getting out much-needed health information to a hard-to-reach population.

As we launch into a debate about the risks and opportunities in gay online dating, it is important to recall the lessons of those earlier debates. For me, one of the biggest “take home” messages of that era was cooperation and dialogue work better than confrontation and name-calling.

Second, if we’ve learned nothing from our long experience in the fight against HIV and other STDs, it’s the futility of telling grown gay men what to do with their penises. Gay men do not need the public health establishment or sex-panic journalists telling them what to do in their bedrooms.

This kind of scolding, sex-negative argument only serves to reinforce notions of fear, shame and stigma related to our sexuality. As gay men, we’ve had plenty of that. And if such arguments accomplish anything, it is only to beat gay men back into a dark corner of fear and isolation, the breeding ground of poor self-esteem which is, I believe, the real root cause of risk-behavior among gay men.

A far more effective approach to health promotion for gay men starts with the assumption than our sexuality is a vital source of our strength and vitality, not simply a risk-factor to be managed. The next step is to respect the capacity of gay men to make sexual decisions that are right for them.

In this context, gay men can be engaged in a dialogue that provides them resources for effective, informed decision making. Moreover, it is in this sort of supportive, non-judgmental environment that we can begin to explore some of the more root-issues of risk behavior among gay men.

Online communities, whether sex-focused sites like adam4adam or relationship-focused sites like myPartner.com, can play an important role creating an online spaces that affirm and celebrate gay sexuality, while providing links to trust-worthy resources for sexual health education.

At myPartner.com, the Perfect Partner Forum is one way that we hope to engage other gay men around the issues that are important in our lives. This approach reflects our firm belief that gay men are fully capable of making responsible, risk-appropriate decisions about when and how they choose to have sex.

Moreover, we believe that one of the best ways to promote sexual health in our community is to help gay men build loving relationships that are based, not just on what we have between our legs, but also on what’s between our ears, and most importantly what’s inside our hearts.

For additional resources related specifically to HIV/STD risks, visit:

www.isis-inc.org

www.magnetsf.org

www.fenwayhealth.org

For more information about William Woods' work:

http://www.caps.ucsf.edu/CAPS/staff/Woodsbio.php

The Battle of the Exes

By Jack Mauro

Speaking of the old and the new in your life: let's take a look at the potential evil of the old boyfriend. Let's do this, in fact, by examining a situation I'm witnessing. It's real and there are lessons aplenty within it.

An old friend of mine has been partnered for over two years with a pretty terrific guy. I've met him – I like him, and they seem to be enjoying the best of what couplehood offers. Comfort, affection, etc. Now, enter the other guy's ex-partner. Who is currently involved with someone else, who has developed a chaste friendship with the other guy following the break-up, and who is so at ease with it all, in fact, that he has stayed with my friend and his partner for a few consecutive weekends.

All very civilized, right? Well, not entirely. My friend, you see, isn't happy with this. He actually likes his boyfriend's ex, and he doesn't feel threatened at all in terms of that old flame re-igniting. What bothers him is the level of intimacy they still share. Their history precludes him and he feels, when they're all together, like the red-haired stepchild of legend.

There's really only one lesson here, after all. Whether you choose to remain close to an ex or not, it is vital that you consider, and consider hard, how this impacts on your new relationship. Don't attribute discomfort from your partner as jealousy, or at least not the garden variety. Give him more credit than that, and understand how this chapter from your past, now in the flesh, brings with it familiarities he can't ever be a part of. Simply put: at these times, more than ever, you must attune yourself to what your partner is feeling. Ask questions. And make sure he knows that that was then and this, happily, is now.

The Circle(s) of Life

By Jack Mauro

I've referred elsewhere to those individual universes we all inhabit. This is no hyperbole; beginning with extreme youth, we take on a multitude of unique traits, habits and modes of living. More importantly, we take on friends. We people our lives with family – a given – and those we come to love and rely upon by choice. Simply put, we people our lives with people.

Of course that isn't romance. Romance takes us down different avenues as we seek that one, right partner. What's that you say? You found him? Excellent. Your lives are commencing to intermingle, to become one, greater, shared life. It's thrilling and a little scary. But it's worth it because it's what you both want.

However, in the words of Isabella Rossellini in 'Death Becomes Her', "Now, a warning…" Be cautious about how your new love is introduced to your old circle. For some odd reason, men assume that the romantic interest in their lives will automatically both adore and be adored by their friends. This is a logic built on nothing – friendships come from a very diverse road, and what binds you to your partner is doubly removed from that path.

That's not to say that your relationship must exist in a bubble. By all means, bring your partner in contact with the people of your life. Just know that it's entirely possible, if not inevitable, that he will love them less than you do. Above all, give him a wide berth here. It's not easy, jumping into another's world. And, if you must maintain a balancing act between what's special with the two of you and those dear old pals of yours, so be it. Because the most disastrous thing you can do here, men, is naively expect that he will miraculously forge the relationships with these people that you've spent a lifetime developing.