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Confessions of a Falafel Queen, Part 1: Political Correctness and the Politics of Desire

By Brad Vanderbilt, MPH

Rice Queens. Bean Queens. Kosher Queens. Potato Queens. Or as a recent boyfriend labeled me, “Falafel Queen.” We have many labels to describe the various dynamics around race and ethnicity in gay sex and relationships. As a matchmaker, I deal everyday in the wide-ranging constellations of attraction and desire across and within racial/ethnic identities.

Because issues of race/ethnicity and sexual desire are both such core aspects of how we perceive ourselves and the world we inhabit, issues of racial/ethnic dating preferences are inescapably sensitive topics of discussion.

Some would argue that any categorical pronouncements such as “I’m into Latin men,” suggest a profoundly racist bent. I don’t agree. My experience talking with countless men across a broad range of racial/ethnic identities suggests that even when we can’t exactly say why, we all have a pretty clear idea of the “look” that turns us on, and it rarely implies a deep-seeded, virulent racism.

That does not excuse us, however, from examining what motivates our sexual desire, particularly when we find our desires draw us regularly toward romantic liaisons within an ethnic community other than our own. Fetishizing and objectifying a partner around their racial/ethnic identity can be extremely hurtful, and may suggest broader prejudices that are unfair, marginalizing and dehumanizing.

Fortunately, there are a number of things that can help ethical, fair-minded gay men avoid sexual situations that result in that kind of painful and decidedly un-fun sexual encounters. In “Confessions of a Falafel Queen, Part 2,” I will examine some ways to minimize the drama, hurt-feelings and unintended oaf-ishness that can sometime mar an otherwise fabulous cross-cultural relationship.

From Risk to Resilience

By Brad A. Vanderbilt, MPH

Some groups are affected by certain illnesses more than others. These differences in how groups are affected by disease are what health disparities are all about. Some of these differences are rooted in biology. African Americans, for example, are more like to have a genetic predisposition for Sickle Cell anemia. Other health disparities have more socio-contextual roots, like children living impoverished and polluted communities suffer higher rates of asthma.

In groundbreaking work, researchers such as Rafael Diaz, Vicky Mays, Ron Stall and others have looked at the ways that discrimination, oppression and hate violence impact the health of gay men.

In one study, for example, Diaz and his colleague George Ayala found that experiences of oppression experienced by gay Latino immigrants had emotional consequences (such as depression and low self-esteem) which were strongly associated with a greater likelihood of behaviors that put men at risk for HIV.

One trap we can fall into when we talk about health disparities, such as noting that gay men are disproportionately affected by HIV, or more likely to use have used methamphetamines, is to give the impression that somehow our sexuality is to blame. The greater truth underlying such statistics is that homophobia, not homosexuality, is the social ill we must confront!

When we let the discourse meander down this track of pathologizing how we love, we lose some of the great insights of the early LGBT equality movement, which boldly proclaimed that Gay is Good and celebrated the unique and powerful new communities that queer people were creating -- communities where our sexuality was a source of strength and pride.

Fortunately, many researchers like Diaz and Ayala make a point of linking disparities born of oppression with opportunities that build on resilience. In their work on gay Latino immigrants, they identified not just important risk factors, but also critical qualities that strengthen oppressed communities such as social/political engagement around gay identity and support from social and sexual networks.

These observations are fundamental to our success as community. We can never forget that on the flip-side of so many gay health disparities lay just as many resilience factors. These are the qualities that have seen us through the days of Anita Bryant, the Milk assassination, Patient Zero, Jesse Helms and Dont Ask Dont Tell. These resilience factors, like our compassion, our creativity, our families of choice, were often, in part at least, products of our struggle against homophobia.

However, these qualities and many more, have not just seen us through hard times. They have also made us stronger and hold the promise of carrying us through to the next chapter of great chapter of the Gay American Experience. Because when we come together, united in pride, there’s no challenge we can’t meet.

Gay Sex Now: Peril or Potential

By Brad A. Vanderbilt, MPH

Much has been written about risks related to online dating, with some writers penning shrill diatribes against sex-focused websites such adam4adam and manhunt, branding them a dangerous menace to public health. The harsh rhetoric reminds me of similar debates that raged nearly generation ago about whether gay bathhouses should be closed.

Two decades out, and with the benefit of critical research lead by William Woods at the UCSF Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, we can see little demonstrable difference between comparable urban communities with and without commercial sex venues. What Woods research has pointed to is that, in fact, sex club facilities can be a critical partner in getting out much-needed health information to a hard-to-reach population.

As we launch into a debate about the risks and opportunities in gay online dating, it is important to recall the lessons of those earlier debates. For me, one of the biggest “take home” messages of that era was cooperation and dialogue work better than confrontation and name-calling.

Second, if we’ve learned nothing from our long experience in the fight against HIV and other STDs, it’s the futility of telling grown gay men what to do with their penises. Gay men do not need the public health establishment or sex-panic journalists telling them what to do in their bedrooms.

This kind of scolding, sex-negative argument only serves to reinforce notions of fear, shame and stigma related to our sexuality. As gay men, we’ve had plenty of that. And if such arguments accomplish anything, it is only to beat gay men back into a dark corner of fear and isolation, the breeding ground of poor self-esteem which is, I believe, the real root cause of risk-behavior among gay men.

A far more effective approach to health promotion for gay men starts with the assumption than our sexuality is a vital source of our strength and vitality, not simply a risk-factor to be managed. The next step is to respect the capacity of gay men to make sexual decisions that are right for them.

In this context, gay men can be engaged in a dialogue that provides them resources for effective, informed decision making. Moreover, it is in this sort of supportive, non-judgmental environment that we can begin to explore some of the more root-issues of risk behavior among gay men.

Online communities, whether sex-focused sites like adam4adam or relationship-focused sites like myPartner.com, can play an important role creating an online spaces that affirm and celebrate gay sexuality, while providing links to trust-worthy resources for sexual health education.

At myPartner.com, the Perfect Partner Forum is one way that we hope to engage other gay men around the issues that are important in our lives. This approach reflects our firm belief that gay men are fully capable of making responsible, risk-appropriate decisions about when and how they choose to have sex.

Moreover, we believe that one of the best ways to promote sexual health in our community is to help gay men build loving relationships that are based, not just on what we have between our legs, but also on what’s between our ears, and most importantly what’s inside our hearts.

For additional resources related specifically to HIV/STD risks, visit:

www.isis-inc.org

www.magnetsf.org

www.fenwayhealth.org

For more information about William Woods' work:

http://www.caps.ucsf.edu/CAPS/staff/Woodsbio.php

An Epidemic of Violence

By Brad A. Vanderbilt, MPH

A powerful theme of Unequal Opportunity looks at the impact of violence and victimization on the health of gay men. As researchers Gregory Herek and Charles Sims note, being a victim of any kind of violent crime has negative psychological consequences, regardless of what motivated the crime, or the sexual orientation of the victim. These negative consequences may include anxiety disorder, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. They may also deeply affect such core issues as the victim’s sense of safety, self-worth and the meaning of life and the world around them.

When you factor in added stressors associated with hate-crime violence, the personal toll of victimization may be even higher. Herek and Sims assert that “hate crimes may have especially negative psychological sequelae because they attack a core aspect of the victim’s personal identity and community membership.” These are factors that are particularly important to members of a sexual minority such as gay men, who already have to combat society’s general stigma around homosexuality.

Hate crimes can take many forms from jeers yelled from a passing care to violent beatings, sexual assault and murder. According to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, 45% of anti-gay attacks reported to community anti-violence programs took place in a public locale such as a street or on public transport or near a gay-identified venue.

Sadly, most of us probably know someone who’s lived out this scenario: after a fun night at a club, a gay man heads out the door, walking home or to his car, and then from out of nowhere, he’s jumped by group of angry young men, raging on testosterone and hate, and throwing punches as liberally as anti-gay epithets.

According to findings from the National Crime Victimization Survey, conducted by the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, from July 2000 to December 2003, nearly one-fifth (17.9%) of hate crimes were motivated by the victim’s sexual orientation, and tragically, less than half (42%) were reported to the police.

In response to this tide of violence faced by gay men and other sexual minorities, many local LGBT communities have developed organizations dedicated to combating anti-gay violence and providing support and resources to hate crime victims. Examples include the New York City Anti-Violence Program, which was born of community activism around gay-bashings in the Chelsea neighborhood dating back to 1980. Another community group fighting violence targeting the LGBT community is San Francisco’s Community United Against Violence.

On the national level, the Washington, DC-based group, the Human Rights Campaign maintains a list of LGBT anti-violence programs around the U.S. These resources can be found at: http://www.hrc.org/issues/4885.htm. Take an important step toward creating a safer LGBT community, by looking into what is happening in your own area to fight and cope with hate violence against LGBT individuals. Working together, we can create a safer space in which to pursue same-sex love.

Is Inequality Making Us Sick?

Partnered, or single. Searching for love, or just searching for some lovin’ – health affects us all. For twenty years, the health of gay men has been at the forefront of my concerns, and it was this passion for community health that spurred me toward my Master’s degree in Public Health. However, you don’t need an MPH after your name to be familiar with the sad litany health concerns faced by gay men.

As gay men, we bear a disproportionate burden of HIV infection.  We experience disproportionate levels of depression, smoking and substance use.  We are more likely to have experience bullying, violence and victimization in our schools when we were boys.  The list could go on for quite a while. This laundry list of gloom alone is enough to bum you out.

Nonetheless, it’s important that we look critically at these issues, which might be collectively referred to as “gay men’s health disparities,” if for no other reason than the fact that Right Wing homophobes often throw up these issues as “evidence” of our unhealthy lifestyle.

However, a recently published scholarly tome entitled, Unequal Opportunity: Health Disparities Affecting Gay and Bisexual Men in the United States, makes a very different argument. The authors, all leading authorities in community health from the ranks of academia and public health agencies such as the CDC, point to significant factors such as the impact of homophobia and anti-gay violence in our boyhood experience as an important factor impacting our health as grown gay men.

In a series of future posts, I will share more thoughts on how we may be affected by a range of health disparities, and how our experiences of anti-gay bigotry may also sew the seeds of our strength and resilience.  As they say, what don’t kill you, makes you stronger.  Having survived my share of bashing back in Red-Neckville, Texas, I can only say “Amen, brother.”

The Pragmatic Idealist: Romance, Realism and the Search for Mr. Right

In an age of instant gratification, hyper-sexualized gay culture and a hetero divorce rate of about 50%, it takes a certain amount of idealism (not to mention courage) for gay men to embrace the search for true love and committed partnership. And yet, so many of us do.

Are we all pie-in-the-sky dreamers or out-of-touch romantics? Not in my experience working with numerous level-headed, successful gay men in their search for a partner. As a personal headhunter for love, working every day in the heady world of gay romance, I have a front row seat on the modern gay man’s pursuit of love and companionship. What I see are not a bunch of lovelorn star-gazers, but a remarkable group of men who are what I would call “pragmatic idealists.”

By in large, they are gay men who have been around the block, and approach the notion of dating and relationships with their eyes wide open. They know the highs and lows of gay dating. Hot hook-ups? They’ve been there and done that. Loving LTR’s? Yep, done that, too. Cheating partners? Crushing break-ups? Periods of disgust with dating in general, such that monastic life starts to sound tempting? I would guess that most of my clients have felt all those things. So how did they end up calling on my services as an Executive Matchmaker?

Because, through all these varied experiences, they’ve figured out a lot about themselves, the kind of partner they want and what parts of dating life they like and dislike. First of all, they don’t dig the “legwork” part of dating. The sorting through profiles, or endless nights at benefits, openings and parties, trying to look nonchalant while secretly hoping to catch that elusive “come-hither” glance. So they outsource that bit, to me. What I then try to deliver is the part they do like: meeting successful, relationship-oriented men that measure up to their partner priorities.

That’s where the Pragmatic Idealist part comes in. Pragmatic Idealists share three common traits that help them succeed in the tumultuous world of modern gay romance. First, they realize that Mr. Right is not the same as Mr. Perfect; so they spend some time reflecting on what their “deal-breakers” and the search criteria that can be more flexible and open.

Second, they recognize that while you might be able to decide on the spot whether you want to have a sweaty throw-down with a hot stud you meet at the gym, when it comes to decisions about a real relationship and intimacy; these things take time and patience.

Third, they enjoy the process. Dating is supposed to be a fun social engagement, not a nerve-racking chore. My most successful clients appreciate the adventure of meeting new people and being present in the process of getting to know a potential mate.

Call it mindful dating. It just might work for you, too.

Truth In Advertising: In the Search for Your Perfect Partner, Honesty Helps

By Brad Vanderbilt, MPH

Picture it: Beirut, 2004. A historic hotel in the city’s Hamra District, where every building still shows traces of the bombs and bullets that flew during Lebanon’s long civil war. An unlikely place, perhaps, for a thriving gay community. But online, at least, hot gay men with hairy chests and sultry dark eyes are plentiful indeed.

I met Nizar (not his real name) online earlier in the week at a British-based site popular throughout Europe and Middle East. He had the dark eyes, full lips and lean slim/swim build that I fall for every time. We chatted. Got on well. And eventually agreed on a face-to-face date a few days later.

Fast forward to Friday night. The phone rings in my room right at the appointed time. The front desk attendant announced my would-be friend, and soon there was a light rapping on my door. But the scene that followed is sure to ring familiar with anyone who’s braved the choppy seas of online romance.

I open the door, and in front of me stood, not the lean, 20something swimmer with sharp dramatic features that had caught my eye and fired my imagination. Instead, stood a stocky, out-of-shape guy easily older than me, and whose alluring angular features were obscured by puffy jowels. “Are you disappointed?” He asked, knowing full well the answer.

“Come in, and let’s talk,” I said.

“First, were the photos in your profile even you?” I asked. Yes, in fact, they were. Ten years and 30 pounds ago. What told him next, is what I want to share with you. And I truly believe it is the Golden Rule of Online Dating. Be courteous, be honest and be yourself.

In a lengthy and heart-felt conversation Nizar acknowledged that his dating strategy was not working well for him. Sometimes he might actually end up in bed for a quick hook up before being hastily shown the door, because, let’s be honest, no one lingers too long with a charity, um… case. More often doors were simply slammed in his face, and he would return home disappointed, with his already-battered sense of self-esteem smarting from a fresh pummeling.

The tragedy is that there are definitely men out there looking for Nizar. Men who like a guy with a little meat on their bones, and full fleshy face made for kissing and sweet nothings whispered in the night. But sadly those men will never find Nizar, because why would they click on the profile of some skinny swimmer boy? Instead, he repeatedly meets up with people who do not appreciate his look, or bother to look deeper to see the lovely interior qualities of man who was clearly caring and in search for a more meaningful kind of connection than a roll in the proverbial hay.

The broader lesson for all of us is that if we want to find someone who appreciates who we really are we have to at least meet them halfway by putting our true selves out there. Only when you embrace and reveal the unique truth of your individuality do you have any hope of finding someone else who will celebrate that uniqueness and want to share their own with you.

How’d I Get Here? My Journey from Activist to Matchmaker

By Brad Vanderbilt, MPH

When people ask what I do for a living, and I tell them I’m a matchmaker, the next question that follows is usually, “how in the world do you become a matchmaker?” It’s an understandable question.  Unlike other careers, such as in medicine or law, there is no clearly delineated track of education and professional development for matchmaking.

While the field is beginning to coalesce around a framework of training, mentoring and industry standards, most matchmakers seem to find their way to the profession, like me, through a circuitous path of personal exploration, community involvement and serendipity.

This owes partly to the fact that matchmaking is not like other professions such as medicine, law or high-tech. It is a discipline that is as much art as it is science. It’s a job that requires intuition, empathy and charm as much as it demands hard work, thoroughness and ethical integrity.

My own path to matchmaking has roots that go back nearly twenty years, when I first kicked open my closet door, and took my first invigorating breathes as an Out Gay Man. As has been observed by long-time friends and family members, I did not so much come out, as explode out.

As an undergraduate at conservative Texas Christian University, I began my freshman year a friendly, but timid student. I was still struggling with my sexual identity, but the writing was on the wall both to those around me, and in my own mind, as the layers of denial that I had previously built began to dissolve away.

Throughout my childhood, faith was always an important part of our family life. In my high school days, I was an “uber-good boy” and Mister United Methodist Youth Fellowship. One of the great conflicts for me during my sometimes tortuous East Texas youth was reconciling my self-concept as a “good boy” and my increasingly hard-to-deny desire for hot same-sex lovin’.

A real key in resolving that conflict for me came through my volunteer work at the Fort Worth AIDS Outreach Center. For the first time in my life I saw out gay men and lesbians working on the frontlines of AIDS service delivery, and embodying the professionalism, compassion and selflessness that so characterized the LGBT community’s response to AIDS. I then began to realize that if those folks could be gay and be good people, then I could too.

Soon I started using my position as a staff writer and columnist for the school paper to raise awareness around HIV issues and gay rights. And in short order, an activist was born. The next thing you know, I was marching with a surging crowd in the historic 1989 March on Austin for LGBT Rights. I kissed a boy in public for the first time when a student group at the March staged a kiss-in. And I forged friendships with other gay men that have endured for nearly two decades.

In the years that followed, I have protested with ACT-UP in Dallas and Houston; I consulted on the development of HIV prevention materials for LGBT youth and monitored federal HIV prevention grants in Washington, DC; I answered a bilingual (French/English) gay teen line in Montreal; and I did HIV prevention outreach outside gay bars in Beirut working for the only LGBT Community Center in the Arab Middle East. It has indeed been a magnificent journey.

But did all that really prepare sufficiently to be a matchmaker the America’s only national executive matchmaking agency? Not really. Some critical ingredients were still missing.

Inspired by my efforts at HIV prevention for gay men in Beirut, I embarked on my Master’s Degree in Public Health, during which I focused my energies intensely on community-based health education, particularly as it related to gay men and sexual health. In the course of my studies, I lead a community-participatory health assessment. I produced and directed two documentary films looking at sexual health and alternative sexuality.

I began an amazing three-year journey at the University of California/San Francisco working on the world’s largest ever study looking at relationship dynamics in gay male couples. As a senior research associate at the Gay Couples Study, I had the remarkable opportunity to engage with over a 1000 gay men in committed partnerships in a landmark study that is sure to yield enormous insights about how gay men create relationships that last.

In structured clinical interviews and in countless casual conversations with I heard first hand from gay men with committed partners about what worked and didn’t work for them in their relationship. Participants talked about what their relationships meant to them, how they created agreements that worked for them and how they coped when there were slip-ups in their agreements.

The take home message for me from that experience was the tremendous opportunity we have as gay men to write our own rules when it comes to our partner relationships, and that there is an enormous diversity in the kinds of partnerships gay men build together.

I think more than anything it was my experience at the Gay Couples Study that prepared me for my work as an Executive Matchmaker, talking with clients about the most intimate issues in their search for the perfect partner.

There are other factors that undoubtedly add considerably to my matchmaking skills beyond my clinical research background. It doesn’t hurt that I have long-standing personal connections in numerous gay communities across the North America, Europe and the Middle East. Or that I draw also on my own 11-year relationship with one of the nicest guys on the planet. And in a social setting? Well, let’s just say I’ve come a long way from my days as a timid gay teen in Dallas, Texas.

It has been a remarkable journey. And now with myPartner.com, a new chapter is just beginning. I’m excited to share it with you here at the Forum at myPartner.com.